Billionaires in Space
- A SATIRICAL SKIT from KURT STAUDTER
– Sometime in the not too distant future, in a galaxy pretty close to home…
Aboard the Virgin Galactic Star Cruiser
Virgin Galactic Officer: “Captain Branson, sir, we’ve detected another ship in low-earth orbit.”
Branson swivels around in his captain’s chair
Captain Branson: “Identity?”
Virgin Galactic Officer: “It’s the Blue Horizon, sir.”
Captain Branson: “Red alert, shields up, and Hail them.”
“This is Captain Branson of the Star Cruiser Virgin Galactic. Look Bezos, space isn’t big enough for the both of us, so turn around and go back. Don’t you have some workers to exploit earth side…”
Aboard the Blue Horizon Luxury Space Ride
Captain Branson: (Heard on the speaker) “…you come up here and I’ll be forced to fire on your pathetic flying gazebo.”(nervous shuffling among the crew.)
Captain Bezos:“Hail them.”
“This is Captain Bezos, and I’m not taking orders from some washed up Brit has been. We’re Americans! We own space, and don’t you forget it.”
Blue Horizon Officer: (Urgently) “Captain, they’ve fired on us and we’re taking evasive maneuvers.” (An explosion detonates rocking the small ship and knocking out minor systems.) “Weapons are offline, but we still have maneuvering thrusters.”
Captain Bezos: “Let me know when we have weapons again, meanwhile, let’s hide in the shadow of the moon until they pass.”
…back at the Virgin Galactic Star Cruiser
Virgin Galactic Officer: “Captain, we’ve lost them. They’re not on our scanners.”
Captain Bezos: “Keep looking and stay vigilant. We don’t need any surprises.”
Captain Musk: (Crackling over the speaker) “Hailing Virgin Galactic. This is the Space X Marauder, Captain Musk commanding. Cease firing on the Blue Horizon or we’ll be forced to intervene.”
With a brief hand gesture, the radio is activated.
Captain Branson: “This is Captain Branson, come on Elon you’re no match. Leave the area or help us find Bezos.”
Aboard the Space X Marauder
Space X Officer: “Captain, I need to warn you that our batteries are at dangerous levels, and that any prolonged altercations will use them up, leaving us dead in space.”
Silence on the bridge except the light beeping of the low battery alarm.
Captain Musk: “OK, deploy the solar panels and begin charging the
batteries.”
“Open hailing frequencies.”
“Hello Sir Dickey Boy, our batteries have given up the ghost, but we’ll continue to look for the Blue Horizon. We’ll catch up with you in an orbit or two.”
Aboard the Blue Horizon
Tactical Officer: “Weapons have been restored captain. We’re ready to take on the Virgin Galactic.”
Captain Bezos: “Splendid! Maneuver into an intercept position, and fire.”
The ship shudders back to life, and moves towards a glowing dot on the horizon, weapons fully armed.
Aboard the Virgin Galactic
Virgin Galactic Officer: “Captain, we’ve detected the Blue Horizon, and they are moving into an intercept position…”
Sliding into the area in stealth mode is another ship.
Booming over all their speakers…
“This is the USS David Duke, commanded by Captain Donald of the United States Space Force. To all ships, power down your weapons, stand down, and stand by. You are facing the best, super incredible, awesome, most powerful ship ever. Resistance is futile.”
Captain Branson: “This is Branson, and sorry to say mate, but this is a billionaire’s only space adventure.”
Captain Musk: “Last I checked, you and your fortune are under indictment in New York. You can’t come play with us.”
Captain Bezos: Look Donald, why don’t you just go back to Florida? The rest of your foursome is waiting to tee off.”
Over the speakers of all four spaceships, and in a commanding god-like voice; maybe Morgan Freeman’s:
“To all ships involved in the Battle of the Space billionaires. While you’ve been gone the people of earth have held a vote, and we’ve overwhelmingly decided that we’d be better off without you. This is to inform you that you’ve been voted off the planet. We’re sending a ship up with supplies, and to return your innocent crew members back to mother earth. However, you’ve been banished!
Don’t come back – you’re not welcome. Goodbye!”
Silence … Fade to darkness …
